You're playing
a game.
Every conversation is a transaction. Every transaction reveals which part of you is speaking — and which part of the other person.
Why we behave as we do in relationships
Psychiatrist Eric Berne developed Transactional Analysis (TA) in the 1950s-60s as a theory of personality and communication. TA proposes that every person carries three Ego States (Parent, Adult, Child) and that every interaction between two people is a 'transaction' that can be analyzed to understand hidden dynamics.
What made Berne famous above all was his book 'Games People Play' (1964), which revealed recurring, destructive patterns in human relationships — he called them 'games' because they follow specific scenarios with unannounced rules both parties obey unconsciously.
Who is speaking right now?
Borrowed from others' experiences, especially parents and authority figures. Contains the rules, values, and beliefs we absorbed from outside ourselves.
Criticizes, demands, judges. 'You must...' / 'You should never...'
Protects, nurtures, encourages. 'I'm here for you.' / 'You can do it.'
The objective, logical information processor. Based on current reality, not old experiences or emotions. The fair referee between Parent and Child.
Represents the emotional states and automatic patterns that developed in childhood. Almost all our emotions and many of our immediate behaviors come from here.
Spontaneous, playful, creative. The source of genuine joy and creativity.
Adjusted to others' expectations — either compliant or rebellious.
Where is this conversation coming from?
When the other party responds from the expected level. Communication flows smoothly.
When the other party responds from a different level than expected. Stops the conversation or redirects it.
When the surface message differs from the hidden meaning. Psychological games are always built on ulterior transactions.
Everyone needs to be acknowledged
Berne called social recognition a 'stroke' — the fuel of human interaction. Every stroke is a unit of social acknowledgment. Humans prefer a negative stroke to none at all — this explains a lot of seemingly strange behavior.
The story you're living
Berne believed every person unconsciously writes a 'Life Script' in childhood based on parental messages and early experiences. This script determines fundamental decisions: Am I OK? Are others OK? What happens to people like me?
The healthy, mature position. Equal relationships. Collaborative problem-solving. This is the goal.
Superiority and arrogance. 'The problem is you.' Causes distrust and defensive reactions.
Inferiority and submission. 'Everyone is better than me.' Causes depression and dependency.
Hopelessness and nihilism. 'No one can be trusted.' The most destructive position.
Are you playing any of these games?
Psychological games are repetitive interactions that follow specific scenarios and always end with negative feelings for one or both parties. Berne describes them as indirect ways of getting the 'strokes' (attention) both parties need.
A person presents a problem and rejects every solution offered.
Constant complaining about life/people with no desire for change.
Blaming another person for one's life failures and limitations.
Attributing consequences of one's own actions to others' interference.
A person behaves in ways that invite others to criticize or reject them.
Someone 'rescues' others continuously, undermining their autonomy.
Accumulating emotional or material debts as a means of control.
Finding one flaw that invalidates any achievement, no matter how large.
Inciting two parties against each other while the instigator stays at a distance.
Using a real or imagined disability to justify avoidance of responsibility.
Three roles that destroy relationships
Stephen Karpman created the 'Drama Triangle' in 1968 as an analytical tool summarizing the dynamics of psychological games in three roles people unconsciously rotate through:
Feels helpless and persecuted. Seeks a Rescuer. Avoids responsibility. Signature: 'I can't / No one helps me.'
Blames, criticizes, threatens. Feels superior. Sets rigid rules. Signature: 'You always... / This is your fault.'
Helps without being asked. Makes others feel helpless. Constantly intervenes. Signature: 'Let me help you / You need me.'
True psychological freedom
Awareness is the key. When you recognize you're in a game or playing a role, you have a choice. TA doesn't offer a single prescription but gives tools of vision — and once you see, it becomes hard to go back to what you were.
Learn to recognize your ego states and how they shift during conversations. 'Who is speaking right now — my Parent, my Adult, or my Child?'
Instead of programmed automatic responses, choose how to act from the ego state most appropriate to the situation.
Direct, honest Adult-to-Adult communication where genuine vulnerability and real care can happen — without games.
Be in the current moment, not in an old script. Ask: 'What is actually happening right now, not what I expect?'
"The worst thing in life is to live it according to a script written by someone else."