How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage | Transform Your Relationship

💕 How We Love: Discover Your Love Style

Transform your marriage by understanding how you and your partner connect

Every person has a unique way of giving and receiving love, shaped by their earliest relationships and deepest emotional needs. Understanding your love style—and your partner's—is the key to creating the deep, lasting connection you both desire.

Based on groundbreaking research in attachment theory and relationship psychology, "How We Love" reveals that most relationship conflicts stem not from incompatibility, but from misunderstanding each other's love styles.

When you understand how you love and how your partner loves, everything changes. Conflicts become opportunities for deeper intimacy.

The Love Style Reality

67% of couples have different love styles
89% improve when they understand each other's style
6 distinct love styles shape how we connect

🎯 The Six Love Styles

25% of people
THE PLEASER

Core drive: "I need to make others happy to feel loved"

In relationships: Self-sacrificing, difficulty expressing needs, fear of conflict

Love language: Acts of service and words of affirmation

Key traits:
  • Puts partner's needs before their own
  • Struggles to say "no"
  • Feels guilty when taking time for self
  • Avoids confrontation at all costs
  • Seeks approval and validation
15% of people
THE VICTIM

Core drive: "I've been hurt and need someone to rescue me"

In relationships: Helpless, blame-focused, seeks caretaking

Love language: Quality time and acts of service

Key traits:
  • Feels powerless in relationships
  • Blames others for their problems
  • Seeks someone to "fix" them
  • Struggles with personal responsibility
  • Often feels misunderstood
20% of people
THE CONTROLLER

Core drive: "I must be in charge to feel safe and loved"

In relationships: Dominant, directive, difficulty with vulnerability

Love language: Acts of service and respect

Key traits:
  • Takes charge in most situations
  • Difficulty showing weakness or emotion
  • Expects others to follow their lead
  • Struggles to ask for help
  • Values competence and achievement
20% of people
THE VACILLATOR

Core drive: "I need someone to pursue and choose me completely"

In relationships: Emotionally reactive, pursues then withdraws

Love language: Quality time and words of affirmation

Key traits:
  • Craves deep emotional connection
  • Mood swings between love and anger
  • Tests partner's commitment
  • Feels unloved when needs aren't anticipated
  • Highly sensitive to rejection
15% of people
THE AVOIDER

Core drive: "I need space and independence to feel comfortable"

In relationships: Emotionally distant, values autonomy

Love language: Acts of service and gifts

Key traits:
  • Uncomfortable with intense emotions
  • Needs significant alone time
  • Difficulty expressing feelings verbally
  • Values logic over emotion
  • Shows love through actions, not words
5% of people
THE SECURE CONNECTOR

Core drive: "I can love and be loved without losing myself"

In relationships: Balanced, emotionally available, communicates well

Love language: All five love languages fluently

Key traits:
  • Comfortable with intimacy and independence
  • Communicates needs clearly and kindly
  • Handles conflict constructively
  • Supports partner's growth
  • Models emotional maturity
The goal isn't to become a Secure Connector overnight, but to understand your patterns and gradually develop more secure ways of loving and being loved.

🔄 Common Love Style Combinations

Understanding Your Dynamic

Pleaser + Controller
A common but challenging combination. The Pleaser enables the Controller's dominance, while both avoid emotional intimacy.
Focus: Controller learns gentleness, Pleaser learns assertiveness
Vacillator + Avoider
The classic pursue-withdraw cycle. The more the Vacillator pursues connection, the more the Avoider withdraws.
Focus: Vacillator self-soothes, Avoider moves toward connection
Controller + Victim
A caretaker-helpless dynamic that reinforces both partners' limiting patterns.
Focus: Controller shows vulnerability, Victim takes responsibility
Any Style + Secure Connector
The Secure Connector's emotional stability helps their partner develop more secure patterns.
Focus: Learning from the Secure Connector's modeling

🛠️ Healing Your Love Style

For The Pleaser:

Boundary Setting Practice
Learn to say "no" without guilt and express your needs clearly